Broken

I'm feeling more and more hopeless and broken... I just don't work anymore - in every way.  I don't have a job, I can't find a job, I don't want to go anywhere or do anything and everything feels like it is being ripped from underneath me.  I physically and mentally hurt...  My house is going to be taken away... I know my husband doesn't like this house or Virginia but I love this house despite the problems.. especially around Christmas - it is beautiful.. the tree, the lights the fireplace... I can't help but wonder where I will be next year and where I will be celebrating Christmas.  My husband keeps looking at Phoenix, which is fine I guess but no snow, no cool chill in the air that I love so much... It snowed tonight and I stood outside and let it fall on my face.. I keep feeling like my life is over and I'm so scared of the so much I don't know...  What now?  I see nothing in the future and don't even want to dream of things because everything feels impossible instead of possible... Speaking of which, the phrase "All things are possible".. yeah true but what nobody ever says is that also includes the bad things.. so yes, all things are possible..  I'm feeling some of the crappy ones right now.  Yes, things can always be worse but right now I don't care... they are bad enough without that piece of wisdom... I'm not tempting fate.. I just want things to get better and I feel so broken and hopeless...  Phoenix?  I guess, don't think I'd like it but I'm wrong about everything I think I know about myself - I just don't know anything...  Aren't you supposed to get wiser with age... I feel like I'm regressing.. I want to be put back together again.. I don't want to be broken any longer..

Still don't know..

So, I still don't know what I'm doing or why.. I suppose it is a diary for myself.  Still waiting to hear from the unemployment department if I will be receiving unemployment.  Even if I "win", I'm sure my former employer will fight it.. an then if they win, I owe the money back - so what is the point?

No good jobs on the market today... trying to see if there is something different that I haven't thought of.

So maybe I should explain the name of the blog...

It all has to do with a high school teacher / friend that is/was my hero, mentor, best person I've ever known.  She is who I am still and always am inspired by.  She wasn't perfect, this I know, she made many mistakes just like everyone - I am not blind to this however, she was incredible, warm, safe, funny, and to me... perfect.  She was a parent to me during high school when I had my share of parent issues.  She taught me that it was ok to be me and to be proud and inspired by myself.  Anyway, she had at one time gave me a little card that had Believe on it with a quote.. "To accomplish great things you must not only act but also dream not only plan but also believe".  She would talk about the journey of life and that we don't have all the answers but that we need to find blind faith.  Hence, the title.. She died in 2006 of a malignant brain tumor and even though I hadn't seen her in years, we mailed each other and I miss her terribly... I wish she was still in the world.   I felt better with her in the world.  I choose to believe she is in my heart always and with me somehow during my life good and and bad.

So, I am trying to find the blind faith... my journey for blind belief...

I don't know what I'm doing...

Yeah.. so... I'm recently unemployed in a very unemployable market.  I don't have a college degree but some decent experience.. still no takers.  It has been about 3 weeks - may be a short amount of time for some but devastatingly long for me.  Just as we were about be in good shape... the rug is ripped once again from under us.

So, what should I do for a living?  What I want to do - make something... baskets, art, food.. I want to do something creative... can't find that in the job listings though.  Besides what I want to do, I need to do something that will help pay the bills which is a stretch as it is.  So, I need an office job.  I have 1 requirement - I do not work major holidays... no Thanksgiving.. no Christmas.. I'd prefer no weekends but that is optional.  I guess, looking for the 9-5 type of deal...

Ah.. boring.. anyway,  I don't know what I'm doing, what I am saying or why I am saying it.  I suppose I should try to be clever.. but that will probably sound like it.

Eh.. so I guess I'll start with now.. today...

My husband just got me hooked on Plants and Zombies game - lame but I can't stop playing it.  In fact, I started it at 4:30 yesterday and completed all the levels by 2:00pm today... Life of the unemployed.. sigh...an't
Cant help but think about how this brain child came to be... how did a game about brain eating zombies that get shot down by plants, mushrooms and random other items, get made?

Hey, there is supposed to be lots of shooting starts tonight... haven't seen any yet but will keep looking.

I suppose that completes my random thoughts for now..